Archive for Thursday, October 19, 2000

Are extraterrestrials easily offended?

If so, let’s hope the first thing they see isn’t next week’s New York, New York World Series

October 19, 2000


Here's the only problem I have with a New York, New York, World Series.

What if there really is extraterrestrial life and next week just happens to be the first time someone stops by to catch our act.

Let's hope they are not easily offended.

OK, as a positive aside, I suppose we'll get a good look at them if they try mingling with fans in Shea or Yankee Stadium because Fox puts everyone's face on camera.

Is it only me, or did Bobby Valentine trim his nose hairs between the fourth and fifth games with the Cardinals?

It looks as if there is "No Escape from New York," and while the Kurt Russell movie was all about having the worst of humanity rot on a maximum-secured Manhattan island, now this humanity is going to be treated like a national treasure while being asked to make nice like a studio audience in Queens and the Bronx.

It has already begun. Shortly after the Cardinals had made the final out, Fox's Joe Buck commended the Met fans, "who were tremendous for the way they acted."

I know I was proud of them. Not a single report of a shooting or stabbing while they were still in the stadium. I would imagine Joe Buck went to his car, however, flanked by security guards.

Too bad there isn't a stadium big enough to accommodate Yankee, Met and Raider fans. We could see who emerges still standing. If I'm any self-respecting Raider fan, however, I don't want to be caught dead with this mob.

You see how these people dress they have no self-respect. Raider fans work hard at looking grotesque Yankee and Met fans dress the way they do when they go to work.

I covered the Yankees in 1978, and my enduring picture of their fans is seeing them drop $1 bills from the upper deck and watching the knowledgeable baseball fans below beat the hell out of each other to catch them.

If you tried that in Dodger Stadium, you'd have to wait until at least the third inning for the folks in the lower seats to arrive. And if you dropped anything less than a sawbuck, no one would move.

There are only three reasons to watch a New York, New York, World Series:

1. To see if Mike Piazza rocks back on his heels the first time Roger Clemens goes into his windup.

2. To see if Roger Clemens gets knocked head over heels in retaliation for hitting Piazza in the head last July.

3. To watch the carnage in the stands.

I'm not one for cliches, but it's a shame one of these teams has to lose, because if they both won, there's a good chance Yankee and Met fans would get so excited they'd burn the city to the ground.

A Yankee-Met World Series will confirm to New Yorkers that the universe revolves around them. To confirm that the world tilts in that direction, Monday night's TV game will be between the Dolphins and Jets in the Meadowlands New York, New York, and close enough New Jersey.

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