To the editor:
Well! Thank goodness THAT's settled! That spooky "evolution theory" always did give me the heebie jeebies. "Descended from apes," yeah, right. Not THIS Kansan, baby! It's about time we expose that Darwin character for the crackpot he really was.
I can't wait for the next debate. As we all know, they've long been shoving this "theory" down our throats that the Earth is round! And what sort of evidence have they given us? A couple of 'photos' from space; a few "eyewitness" accounts. Balderdash, I say! Photos can be easily doctored, and as for those "astronauts," well, who knows what THOSE guys were high on? It was the '60s, let's not forget! Nosireebob, we Kansans are much too shrewd to fall for that one any longer!
Fellow Kansans, our destiny is clear: it's obviously up to us to enlighten the rest of the country, nay, the world, on these many mistaken notions we've so blindly trusted in all these years. And while we're at it, what about that ridiculous idea of the Earth revolving around the sun?
I say we've got our work cut out for us.