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Archive for Monday, July 8, 1996

JEST FOR GRINS

July 8, 1996

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Marsha Goff column

Any wife who still thinks there is equality between the sexes hasn't gone on a diet with her husband. Trust me on this: It is a hard and fast rule of nature that a man can fall off his diet wagon into hot fudge a dozen times a day and still lose weight faster than the woman who is diligently counting the calories in an ice cube.

When Ray and I built our home last year, we did much of the work ourselves. He helped frame the house. I swept up sawdust. He hung wall board. I swept up dust. He stained woodwork. I painted walls. He lost 30 pounds. I gained four. When I complained about the inequity of it all and maintained that I had worked as hard as he did, Ray said, ``Yeah, but you mostly worked your jaws.'' I checked the mirror, and, sure enough, my jaws were the only thing about me that looked thinner.

I've always believed God tried to make the sexes equal. Why else would He give men prostates if not to make up for giving women menopause? However, while I don't like to complain, I could have used a little more upper body strength. I freely admit to all my feminist friends that there are women out there who can pick up a semi with one arm tied behind them, but I'd settle for being able to carry in a heavy load of groceries without my arm muscles quivering.

Another unfair advantage men have is that they don't wrinkle as fast as women do. I once heard a dermatologist explain that because a woman's skin is thinner or thicker (I can't remember which) than men's, it wrinkles earlier. My guess is that science will one day discover that mice wrinkle more quickly when forced to wear makeup.

The average woman spends 72,819 hours of her lifetime trying to make her hair look good. I'm sure I have already exceeded that average and I have had more bad hair days than fight promoter Don King. I once spent three hours and $48 dollars having my hair professionally styled for my sister's wedding, and wound up looking like a rooster with all my hair piled on top of my head in a gigantic floppy cock's comb. I fought an urge to ``cock-a-doodle-doo'' all through the reception! My husband, on the other hand, jumped in the shower 45 minutes before we were due at the church, blew-dry his hair, ran his fingers through it and looked great!

From head to feet, men have us beat. Have you seen a man dumb enough to wear three-inch spike heels? Perhaps I should rephrase that question for the '90s. Have you seen many men dumb enough to wear three-inch spike heels? Women wear them because they make our legs look longer. I think it's a result of our Napoleon Complex for being shorter than men. We also wear high heels because men like them (although not all men admit to liking them on other men, most think they look great on women).

Still, whenever I get depressed about the inequality that exists between men and women, I focus on the thing that sets us apart and it cheers me right up. Think of all the burly sports figures you've seen mugging for the camera and holding up their index finger in the ``We're Number One'' sign. Bet you've never seen them mouth, ``Hi, Dad! ``

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